Like in Oscar Wilde plays, life can seem quite farcical at times. People are rarely what they seem – to themselves as much as anything. It’s so hard to know what honesty with oneself actually looks like? We try so hard to kid ourselves into thinking we want something – whether it is material or an abstract emotional attachment. And in the end, I have realised I am often just fooling myself. The human condition is deeply confusing, fraught with so many dead ends and surprising summits, it is so hard to know where any one decision may lead.
I find myself at a point in my life where I feel increasingly wishing for certainly and order. Yet as a self employed artist – that is far from what I have.
I applied for a job – a really interesting, worthwhile job – hoping that fate would hand me some certainty on a plate. I got an interview – but was not offered the job. I am actually quite crushed, as I had pinned my desire for regular income & ‘being part of a team’ on this job.
For the last 8 years here I have been relying so much on my wits and my own self generated work that I feel the weight of responsibility crushing me. I just wanted someone else to take the load!
But I am guessing that this is something so many people feel, particularly those self employed. You come to a point of really just not knowing how to keep pushing forward. And in our case, as we haven’t yet got a proper house built, and frustratingly we don’t qualify for a mortgage as low income self builders. How to get this huge task done? What other little income stream can I create?
Not only is my life in a place of change, but the political climate is uncertain too as we are on the eve of the general election. Which way will it go? As an American I voted for Clinton, as the only other choice I could see. And look where that ended up! But I remain hopeful that things may actually change here in the UK. We need hope – and honesty.
So I am pulling up my socks, putting on my proverbial wellies, and getting out there again in the mud. Life – and livelihood – must go on!
My push forward includes upgrading my Etsy shop, updating my website, and booking in loads of new workshops for next year, tempting people to try their hand at something new. Oh yes – and Air B&B – a decent extra income really for hosting some nice people overnight. And of course there is the smallholding work…cutting willow, shearing wool, caring for animals, planting vegetables. Huge amounts of hours, low pay, but a good daily meditation, nonetheless.
And in all honesty, I was wondering if a 9-5 job would suit me anyway? Life is so damned uncertain, seeking certainty is no doubt folly. May as well get used to it.